My three BIG life lessons

Question: What life lessons have you learned, either lately or in the past? How did or do these life-lessons alter you, change your behaviour, or change your beliefs?

I thought this was a bit too personal a question at first, but, on reflection, it's a great opportunity to assess my own life, and to affirm how I've come to be who I am today. So thanks for the question!

There are three 'life lessons' that come to mind:

• Seek knowledge
• Trust your gut feelings
• Be kind to yourself

Let me explain why these three, of all the many lessons, have been, and are, important to me.

First of all, seek knowledge.

I was brought up in the Potteries within a Presbyterian family, church-going, dutiful, reserved. 

When I was sixteen I was invited by some new friends at the sixth form college I attended to go to their (Methodist) church youth group, held on Sunday evenings. I went, and was taken aback by the easy-going, enthusiastic nature of the group meetings and the church services that preceded them. The ethos was seductive and tempting, and a great contrast to the more intellectual approach of my family church. But it was also exclusive: 'Jesus is the only way' was pretty much their watchword, and I found I could not accept that. What about people who have never heard of Jesus? What about people who are devotees of other faiths? The people leading and attending the youth group were unable to respond to my questions in any way other than reiterating their assertions, and the result of that was that I subsequently read Religious Studies (Comparative Religion) at university. 

My degree course didn't give me answers, and raised lots more questions, but it did affirm for me that knowledge - of one's self and of others - is more important than conforming to a 'norm'.

Trust your gut feelings.

It has been said that you make up your mind about other people within the first seven seconds of meeting them. Some say it's within the first twenty seconds - but even so, that's pretty quick! And, in my experience, I think pretty accurate. But up until recently I have tried to like everyone, and to make excuses for what is in fact unacceptable behaviour. After some bad experiences arising from this tendency to be 'nice' rather than true to my gut feelings, I have learnt to trust my gut. While I would never wish to be rude or dismissive of anyone, I have had to learn to accept that some people just are not my cup of tea, and that to expect to get along with everyone (on anything other than a superficial level) is unrealistic. Similarly I've gradually learnt - and it has taken a long time - that other people's opinions are not 'better' than mine, and I've begun to voice my thoughts and feelings and opinions, without disrespect, but with a greater honesty than my younger self would have done, and with far less concern for what others may think of me because of it.

Be kind to your self.

Back to that Presbyterian upbringing - briefly! When I was growing up, it seemed like everyone else came first, and certainly grown ups came before children. I remember keeping my feet tucked under my chair at the dining table so as not to get in anyone else's way; being 'nice' was important: a family mantra was 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. All very well in its way, but... Despite having chosen my first degree course for the sake of increasing my knowledge and understanding, I subsequently trained, qualified, and worked as a nurse, after that as an almoner, then managing residential care for elderly people and those with dementia, and finally as a sheltered housing manager. At the same time, I trained, was ordained, and worked as a non-stipendiary minister of Word and Sacrament. (Yes, that's me in the middle of the 'murder' of crows!)

So, lots of putting other people's needs first - consistent with my upbringing, and, I thought, with the command to love one's neighbour. But the command is to love one's neighbour as one's self. Always putting others first gets pretty tiring, energy levels drop, burn out may ensue. I didn't burn out, but I did get into the habit (not always bad) of coming last. Eventually, relatively recently, I have come to realise that I should show the kindness I tried and continue to try to show to others to my self as well, to restore the balance between giving and taking. It may be more blessed to give than to receive, but sometimes receiving allows others to be givers, and it's an acknowledgement of my own vulnerabilities, which are almost certainly even more real than my strengths. And I've taken on board my own advice to others, to leave the past in the past: resilience, bouncing back, is great - as long as it's a spring board into the future!